You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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