his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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