I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
