they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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