we have officially lost it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
