I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
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