I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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