Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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