My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
