I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
