just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
