Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
