I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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