Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I don't deserve a penis
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
