Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
