Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You may now shotgun with the bride
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
