I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
