Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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