He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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