i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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