You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
