On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
