yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
We are all done wearing pants today
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
