If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
