Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
