Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
