I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
A bitchslap is in order.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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