What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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