i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
