I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
