btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
