when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
