Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
