I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
