...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
