I only kidnapped one of them. chill
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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