Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
