my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
