When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
