I cockslap morals
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
