if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
