last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
