girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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