Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Im part way to drunk.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
