2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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