the day after is always just damage control
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
