Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(772): View more from Florida

Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is

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(917): View more from New York City

I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.

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