it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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