Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
