man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
