What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
someone owes me an orgasm
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
