I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
